Please stop the bombing. Will someone please stop the bombing? My ears felt as if they would rupture from the incessant boom claps around me. The rubble was difficult to climb over and through and the dust in the air was scraping my throat cells like a strep test. What kind of society launches war on itself to find out who can really hack being an American? I didn't know all of the rules of this engagement, but I knew that people were dying for no reason and my only way to win was to outlive all of the chaos around me. They said there would be mentors in the war zone, but they would not be able to announce themselves. Figuring out who to trust was part of proving ourselves. As I struggled to keep my now burning eyes open, I came face to face with her. She had a pleasant face and looked as if she had stepped out of her role as principal in a high school sitcom. Still I didn't know if she could be trusted. She pointed across the arena to a row of high school lockers and proceeded to explain, "If you get inside, you will be protected from the bombs, but no one knows any of the combinations, so once the door closes, you may never get out again."
I made my way to the lockers and noticed that all of the locker doors were open. One was clearly meant for me. I found books and manuals stacked inside and my jacket. The books were not in any order that was pleasing to me, so I reorganized them and pulled the jacket off the hook. The sun was going down, and I knew I would need this jacket. It was then that I realized I was being watched.
She wasn't very intimidating, in fact she was quite the opposite. I figured an alliance could only be helpful at this point and asked her if she would like to come along. She consented and I started to wonder if she was going to kill me for my jacket.
Disclaimer: It's been weeks since I read or saw the Hunger Games, but I did recently see an episode of Boy Meets World where Cory climbs into his locker to escape the wrath of Harley Kiner...
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Senior Prom
Ah springtime and prom. After precariously traversing four years of high school, senior prom had finally arrived. I was delighted to be asked by a boy who was always fun to be around. Sure, prom would be more magical if I were actually in to my date, but at least I was going to have a good time. In the chaos in between classes I found myself face to face with my sophomore pal. He was furious and shoved a stack of jumbled papers into my arms. He then proceeded to yell at me in front of the entire school. The purpose of his rant was to inform me that he had been in love with me all year and I had rejected him and he couldn't take it any more. I knew we were friends and I remembered the day back in September when our paths crossed and I bonded with him and his best friend.
I had never considered that he liked me as more than a friend, so his verbal explosion was shocking. I tried to calmly tell him that I didn't know. "Didn't know? How could you not know? I have been writing you notes for an entire year! I confessed my love multiple times and I even asked you to prom. Instead you told What's His Bucket that you would go with him instead. I can't take it any more, stop breaking my heart." It was then that I realized the stack of papers in my hands, were the notes he had taken from my locker because I had seen no harm in him knowing my combination. The notes in my hands were all written in spanish. I don't speak spanish and it was then that it all finally clicked. He thought I had spanish this semester and he had been writing all of his love declaring notes in a language I could not read. Until this time I had never been concerned about the fact that I couldn't read them, but I did feel bad that I forgot to tell him that I had dropped my spanish class.
I fumbled through every apology I could muster and tried to convince him that I really didn't know he was in love with me and that I was truly sorry. He didn't buy a single word and left me alone in the hallway.
Next came the notification that my super fun prom date had proposed to my second cousin and that they were really getting married after graduation. What could be more awkward than going to prom with your second cousin's fiance? I decided it was time to let him off the hook and take his fiancee instead of me. He gratefully accepted my suggestion.
So even if my sophomore friend would never take me to prom since I unintentionally broke his heart and even if my date got engaged to someone else, I will still get asked to prom right?!?! How could I not get asked to prom?!?!?!?!
Disclaimer: No hearts were broken in the making of this dream and I am way too old to get asked to prom.
I had never considered that he liked me as more than a friend, so his verbal explosion was shocking. I tried to calmly tell him that I didn't know. "Didn't know? How could you not know? I have been writing you notes for an entire year! I confessed my love multiple times and I even asked you to prom. Instead you told What's His Bucket that you would go with him instead. I can't take it any more, stop breaking my heart." It was then that I realized the stack of papers in my hands, were the notes he had taken from my locker because I had seen no harm in him knowing my combination. The notes in my hands were all written in spanish. I don't speak spanish and it was then that it all finally clicked. He thought I had spanish this semester and he had been writing all of his love declaring notes in a language I could not read. Until this time I had never been concerned about the fact that I couldn't read them, but I did feel bad that I forgot to tell him that I had dropped my spanish class.
I fumbled through every apology I could muster and tried to convince him that I really didn't know he was in love with me and that I was truly sorry. He didn't buy a single word and left me alone in the hallway.
Next came the notification that my super fun prom date had proposed to my second cousin and that they were really getting married after graduation. What could be more awkward than going to prom with your second cousin's fiance? I decided it was time to let him off the hook and take his fiancee instead of me. He gratefully accepted my suggestion.
So even if my sophomore friend would never take me to prom since I unintentionally broke his heart and even if my date got engaged to someone else, I will still get asked to prom right?!?! How could I not get asked to prom?!?!?!?!
Disclaimer: No hearts were broken in the making of this dream and I am way too old to get asked to prom.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Coldstone Classic
So there I was at a party in California. I ran into my friend Eric (we'll call him Eric because that is actually his name and no other name would accurately portray his awesome role in said account). He told me that we had to go get ice cream. I said we should definitely do that sometime. He said, "No, we need to go right now." I finally consented and he said, "We're going to Coldstone. Don't worry I've got coupons so I've got you covered." From said comment I determined that our friendly ice cream run was now a date.
We arrived at Coldstone and stood in line for a long time. I soon discovered that Coldstone had really hit a rut in the recession. In order to combat the recession Coldstone started a program where customers could bring in flavors of their own making to donate to Coldstone. Genius! Well, when Eric and I got up to the counter, the Coldstone employee asked which flavor(s) we would like to try. I noticed that one of the flavors was called 'Berry Applesauce'. Eric insisted that I try it. Sure enough, 'Berry Applesauce' was applesauce combined with raspberries and then frozen. I thought the sample was disgusting, but I smiled and nodded my head instead. (After all, I was on a date.)
About this time, two men in sunglasses and dark suits and ties with American flags on their lapels walked into Coldstone. They glanced in my direction and approached me immediately. "Miss, you must come with us." they said. "Me?" I said in disbelief. "Yes, you." We are with the FBI and you must come back to headquarters with us for questioning.
We headed to headquarters on foot. Along the way I asked what I had possibly done wrong for the FBI to question me. "We can't even speak of the things you've done" they told me.
"I am pretty sure you have the wrong girl. What did I do?" I asked.
"You are a traitor to your country. We know that you have ties to [insert name of terrorist organization here]." they responded.
"Terrorists? I don't think so. You've got the wrong girl" I said.
"No we don't. We saw you go to the drinking fountain TWICE before getting any ice cream tonight. Everyone knows that the universal signal to [insert said name of terrorist organization here]."
About this time, we were approaching the building. All of the sudden, Eric came running up the sidewalk and opened the door to the building for us. "Thanks for getting my door." I said.
"It's the least that I could do for you." he answered.
Once inside the building, the agents lead me toward the interrogation room for questioning. While in the adjoining room, I could see the lead interrogator. She was a very feisty agent and she was tearing apart a group of college aged individuals in the room. At that moment she saw me through the glass and motioned for the agents to bring me in. "You!" she said and pointed her finger in my direction. "I can't even speak of the things you have done! You are a disgrace to your country, the very dirtiest kind of traitor. You are despicable and I cannot even stand to look at you!"
"I'm sorry mam, but I still have no idea what I did to become such a traitor." I responded.
"You went to the drinking fountain TWICE before getting any ice cream!" she bellowed.
"Yeah, about that. I still don't understand how that is a signal to the terrorists?" I asked.
"Why else would you possibly need to get two drinks of water before having any ice cream, unless you were trying to signal the enemy?" She countered.
"Well I was with a boy and I was very nervous and...I was trying to impress him." I said sheepishly.
"Say no more. You may go." She said and everyone in the room started to laugh.
I exited the building and found Eric sitting on the curb. He ran up to me, "They let you go! What happened? Are you alright?"
"They asked for an explanation. I said one sentence. They all laughed at me and then they let me go." I said. In my head I was thinking, "Please don't ask what the one sentence was...please don't ask what the one sentence was." And then he didn't ask.
"Well," he said, "We still need to get ice cream." So we went to find ice cream although Coldstone was entirely different than the first location we went to. After getting ice cream we decided to take a drive. We ended up in the foothills where we ran into my sister who was running on foot.
"You see that trail that leads from those houses up there down to the valley over there?" she said.
"Yes." I answered. "Well, that's where those Poteet girls run every morning, but I just don't know how they get down there." she added.
"See that spot where the trail connects right here?" I pointed out. "Ohhhhh. I see." she said.
Disclaimer: Coldstone has not asked customers to donate flavors in order to stay in business (at least to my knowledge). I do not give signals to terrorist organizations and all events depicted here are from my actual dream. Except the part about Eric being awesome. That part is true.
We arrived at Coldstone and stood in line for a long time. I soon discovered that Coldstone had really hit a rut in the recession. In order to combat the recession Coldstone started a program where customers could bring in flavors of their own making to donate to Coldstone. Genius! Well, when Eric and I got up to the counter, the Coldstone employee asked which flavor(s) we would like to try. I noticed that one of the flavors was called 'Berry Applesauce'. Eric insisted that I try it. Sure enough, 'Berry Applesauce' was applesauce combined with raspberries and then frozen. I thought the sample was disgusting, but I smiled and nodded my head instead. (After all, I was on a date.)
About this time, two men in sunglasses and dark suits and ties with American flags on their lapels walked into Coldstone. They glanced in my direction and approached me immediately. "Miss, you must come with us." they said. "Me?" I said in disbelief. "Yes, you." We are with the FBI and you must come back to headquarters with us for questioning.
We headed to headquarters on foot. Along the way I asked what I had possibly done wrong for the FBI to question me. "We can't even speak of the things you've done" they told me.
"I am pretty sure you have the wrong girl. What did I do?" I asked.
"You are a traitor to your country. We know that you have ties to [insert name of terrorist organization here]." they responded.
"Terrorists? I don't think so. You've got the wrong girl" I said.
"No we don't. We saw you go to the drinking fountain TWICE before getting any ice cream tonight. Everyone knows that the universal signal to [insert said name of terrorist organization here]."
About this time, we were approaching the building. All of the sudden, Eric came running up the sidewalk and opened the door to the building for us. "Thanks for getting my door." I said.
"It's the least that I could do for you." he answered.
Once inside the building, the agents lead me toward the interrogation room for questioning. While in the adjoining room, I could see the lead interrogator. She was a very feisty agent and she was tearing apart a group of college aged individuals in the room. At that moment she saw me through the glass and motioned for the agents to bring me in. "You!" she said and pointed her finger in my direction. "I can't even speak of the things you have done! You are a disgrace to your country, the very dirtiest kind of traitor. You are despicable and I cannot even stand to look at you!"
"I'm sorry mam, but I still have no idea what I did to become such a traitor." I responded.
"You went to the drinking fountain TWICE before getting any ice cream!" she bellowed.
"Yeah, about that. I still don't understand how that is a signal to the terrorists?" I asked.
"Why else would you possibly need to get two drinks of water before having any ice cream, unless you were trying to signal the enemy?" She countered.
"Well I was with a boy and I was very nervous and...I was trying to impress him." I said sheepishly.
"Say no more. You may go." She said and everyone in the room started to laugh.
I exited the building and found Eric sitting on the curb. He ran up to me, "They let you go! What happened? Are you alright?"
"They asked for an explanation. I said one sentence. They all laughed at me and then they let me go." I said. In my head I was thinking, "Please don't ask what the one sentence was...please don't ask what the one sentence was." And then he didn't ask.
"Well," he said, "We still need to get ice cream." So we went to find ice cream although Coldstone was entirely different than the first location we went to. After getting ice cream we decided to take a drive. We ended up in the foothills where we ran into my sister who was running on foot.
"You see that trail that leads from those houses up there down to the valley over there?" she said.
"Yes." I answered. "Well, that's where those Poteet girls run every morning, but I just don't know how they get down there." she added.
"See that spot where the trail connects right here?" I pointed out. "Ohhhhh. I see." she said.
Disclaimer: Coldstone has not asked customers to donate flavors in order to stay in business (at least to my knowledge). I do not give signals to terrorist organizations and all events depicted here are from my actual dream. Except the part about Eric being awesome. That part is true.
A Very Green Birthday
So it's my friend's birthday and I really wanted to do something special. I spent all week thinking about the perfect homemade card that I could make expressing all of the things that I appreciate about him. Well the actual day of the birthday arrived and I found myself going through old birthday cards that friends and relatives had sent to me years ago. I found one card that was particularly sentimental with flowers and butterflies on the front and flowery prose inside. It was one of those awesome cards that has a poem on the cover, the inside, the back cover, etc. and my relative had handwritten my name on the top of each page. I found myself crossing out my name and writing the name of my friend instead. Keep in mind that his name looked very much out of place on the very feminine card which I knew, but for some reason I felt like recycling this card was the most responsible way to tell said friend Happy Birthday. Just before sealing the envelope, I considered handwriting a note telling him all of the things that I appreciate about him as an insert in the card, but ultimately decided that I could not compete with the poetry already expressed.
Disclaimer: This entire account represents a dream. I have never recycled a birthday card and I will not be giving said friend a card with butterflies and poetry on the front for his actual birthday.
Disclaimer: This entire account represents a dream. I have never recycled a birthday card and I will not be giving said friend a card with butterflies and poetry on the front for his actual birthday.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Me, Myself, & Oversleeping
My alarm (Karl Wolf's 'Africa') sounded and I convinced myself that there were literally two people inside of me. The one gave a speech to the other that went something like this, "You hear that sound? You don't have to do anything about it until it sounds the fourth time. When you hear that song the fourth time you need to wake both of us up. Okay? I'm going to continue to sleep so you have to be responsible for the both of us." Well responsible Whitney realized quite quickly that being responsible was not as fun as sleeping and why should she have to be responsible and let sleeping Whitney have all the fun? So responsible Whitney went to sleep as well and slept right through all three encores of Africa.
Disclaimer: This really happened. Although I was coherent enough to be aware of my surroundings, I was still in full dream mode and had the above discussion with myself while being completely asleep.
Disclaimer: This really happened. Although I was coherent enough to be aware of my surroundings, I was still in full dream mode and had the above discussion with myself while being completely asleep.
Mars & Venus
I just found out that Bruno Mars is the younger brother of Venus and Serena Williams. This finally clicked! I mean duh Venus and Mars, right?! Then I had a flashback and remembered the little boy that was carted around to all of Venus and Serena's tennis tournaments that no one thought would ever amount to anything. Way to go Bruno! Way to make your mark on the world...just the way you are.
Disclaimer: The thoughts depicted above represent an actual dream I had. Believe it or not, Bruno is not a sibling to Venus and Serena.
Disclaimer: The thoughts depicted above represent an actual dream I had. Believe it or not, Bruno is not a sibling to Venus and Serena.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Educating Jimmer
So there I was at a party. The house was full of people milling about. I was standing in one room when all of the sudden a guy bumped me as he tried to walk past me. I fell backwards on to a lovesac that was already occupied with a few people, but luckily I landed in the only open space available. I decided that as crazy as my surroundings were I should stay where I was for the time being. All of the sudden the guy next to me rolled over and I was staring into the face of Jimmer. My thoughts went something like this...'Oh my gosh, it's Jimmer. IT'S JIMMER. Okay Whitney calm down. You don't want him to think you are a freak. You are on a lovesac next to Jimmer Fredette and you will make normal conversation without being even the slightest bit nervous. YOU WILL BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.' After this self pep talk, I began to make casual conversation with Jimmer.
It was going pretty well until all of the sudden another guy pushed me from the opposite side right as Jimmer happened to sit up and lean forward on the lovesac. I fell hard right into the area he had just been occupying. I quickly recovered by sitting back up and I said, "Oh my gosh, the only thing I could think right then was don't hurt Jimmer, of all the people in the world to injure right now, Jimmer Fredette would be the worst."
Then the guy on the other side of Jimmer started laughing and said, "You thought that YOU could injure Jimmer Fredette?!?!" And then he started laughing like a hyena.
Jimmer was quite distracted by this time. He left the lovesac and headed into a connecting room. I watched him approach his girlfriend and a few other people. Right then, my roommate, Rachel J. (we'll call her Rachel J because that is her name and at the time all of my roommates were named Rachel) came running in. "Jimmer?! Oh my gosh?!?!!! Jimmer is that you? Jimmer, I have to show you my artwork. I just have to say that I have been SO inspired ever since I started watching you play. I mean look!" And she shoved a painting into Jimmer's face exclamining, "Can you believe it? It's my best work yet. Oh Jimmer, I just find you so inspiring." At this point she turned the painting around and I gasped as I saw a picture of an ice castle with Jimmer jumping in perfect form in his white #32 jersey in front of an enormous photo realistic ice castle. Jimmer was trying very hard to be polite. Meanwhile I could see his girlfriend stifling her laughter and trying not to show her annoyance that my roommate was hitting on her boy friend. Rachel J then shoved the painting in Jimmer's face and said, "But Jimmer, look at how I captured the light!"
Needless to say I was quite embarrassed of my roommate by this time so I decided to get some fresh air. I walked out of the house and discovered that the party was taking place in an old farm house. In the surrounding field I saw my car parked among the rows of crops, but I had no recollection of parking there. I was soon approached by the farmer who said that he noticed I had parked in his field. "Yes, I'm quite sorry about that." I said.
"Well, I'll let it slide this time, just don't ever do it again." he responded. Then he added, "Come here and pull on this rope down here."
"You mean that vine?" I asked.
"Yes, pull on that vine." I reached down and pulled on the vine which eventually yielded a gigantic squash. I love squash so I was happy to see my prize.
"Well look at that. Listen here little lady," he instructed, "I'm going to have to give you a ride home tonight because you won't be able to transport that squash in your nice car."
I returned to the house and upon entering I found both Jimmer Fredette and Jackson Emery seated in the arm chairs in the entry way. I proceeded past them and then came back. I approached the young men and said, "Alright, I know you've heard this from everyone, but it's my turn to say it. I just want to say that I am really proud of you guys. This year has been so amazing and I have loved watching you play. I just really hope that the rest of the semester goes well, and that you do well on your finals, and that graduation is a blast."
Jimmer interrupted, "I'm going to stop you right there Whitney...I already made my decision."
"What decision?" I asked.
"I'm going back to my team. They need me and I want to be there for them."
"What team?"
"The Buffalo Something Somethings."
"What?! But what about the NBA draft? You can't be serious."
"What can I say, my boys need me."
"But when are you leaving?"
"Friday, May 16th."
"Oh my gosh, Jimmer when you said Friday, I thought you were going to stop there meaning that you were leaving on this Friday and I was about to say, Jimmer stay in school. You've come so far. Please just graduate. You will never regret finishing school."
At this point Jackson started laughing and punched Jimmer in the arm, "Dude, she just gave you the education speech." And he proceeded to laugh.
"Well, it's time for me to go, but you guys should go outside and pull a vine. You never know what kind of prize you've going to get! ...Apparently I'm supposed to get a ride home with the farmer tonight?"
"Yeah, we wouldn't take that ride if we were you." Jackson said, and Jimmer nodded in agreement.
I walked back out the door to see that the gasoline tank door on my car was open. I knew I didn't get gasoline in the field. In fact, I could not even remember when I had last filled my car with gas. I had no idea what was going on.
Disclaimer: All events listed above are from an actual dream I had. Rachel J does not paint, nor does she stalk athletes. No Jimmers or crops were harmed in the making of this dream.
It was going pretty well until all of the sudden another guy pushed me from the opposite side right as Jimmer happened to sit up and lean forward on the lovesac. I fell hard right into the area he had just been occupying. I quickly recovered by sitting back up and I said, "Oh my gosh, the only thing I could think right then was don't hurt Jimmer, of all the people in the world to injure right now, Jimmer Fredette would be the worst."
Then the guy on the other side of Jimmer started laughing and said, "You thought that YOU could injure Jimmer Fredette?!?!" And then he started laughing like a hyena.
Jimmer was quite distracted by this time. He left the lovesac and headed into a connecting room. I watched him approach his girlfriend and a few other people. Right then, my roommate, Rachel J. (we'll call her Rachel J because that is her name and at the time all of my roommates were named Rachel) came running in. "Jimmer?! Oh my gosh?!?!!! Jimmer is that you? Jimmer, I have to show you my artwork. I just have to say that I have been SO inspired ever since I started watching you play. I mean look!" And she shoved a painting into Jimmer's face exclamining, "Can you believe it? It's my best work yet. Oh Jimmer, I just find you so inspiring." At this point she turned the painting around and I gasped as I saw a picture of an ice castle with Jimmer jumping in perfect form in his white #32 jersey in front of an enormous photo realistic ice castle. Jimmer was trying very hard to be polite. Meanwhile I could see his girlfriend stifling her laughter and trying not to show her annoyance that my roommate was hitting on her boy friend. Rachel J then shoved the painting in Jimmer's face and said, "But Jimmer, look at how I captured the light!"
Needless to say I was quite embarrassed of my roommate by this time so I decided to get some fresh air. I walked out of the house and discovered that the party was taking place in an old farm house. In the surrounding field I saw my car parked among the rows of crops, but I had no recollection of parking there. I was soon approached by the farmer who said that he noticed I had parked in his field. "Yes, I'm quite sorry about that." I said.
"Well, I'll let it slide this time, just don't ever do it again." he responded. Then he added, "Come here and pull on this rope down here."
"You mean that vine?" I asked.
"Yes, pull on that vine." I reached down and pulled on the vine which eventually yielded a gigantic squash. I love squash so I was happy to see my prize.
"Well look at that. Listen here little lady," he instructed, "I'm going to have to give you a ride home tonight because you won't be able to transport that squash in your nice car."
I returned to the house and upon entering I found both Jimmer Fredette and Jackson Emery seated in the arm chairs in the entry way. I proceeded past them and then came back. I approached the young men and said, "Alright, I know you've heard this from everyone, but it's my turn to say it. I just want to say that I am really proud of you guys. This year has been so amazing and I have loved watching you play. I just really hope that the rest of the semester goes well, and that you do well on your finals, and that graduation is a blast."
Jimmer interrupted, "I'm going to stop you right there Whitney...I already made my decision."
"What decision?" I asked.
"I'm going back to my team. They need me and I want to be there for them."
"What team?"
"The Buffalo Something Somethings."
"What?! But what about the NBA draft? You can't be serious."
"What can I say, my boys need me."
"But when are you leaving?"
"Friday, May 16th."
"Oh my gosh, Jimmer when you said Friday, I thought you were going to stop there meaning that you were leaving on this Friday and I was about to say, Jimmer stay in school. You've come so far. Please just graduate. You will never regret finishing school."
At this point Jackson started laughing and punched Jimmer in the arm, "Dude, she just gave you the education speech." And he proceeded to laugh.
"Well, it's time for me to go, but you guys should go outside and pull a vine. You never know what kind of prize you've going to get! ...Apparently I'm supposed to get a ride home with the farmer tonight?"
"Yeah, we wouldn't take that ride if we were you." Jackson said, and Jimmer nodded in agreement.
I walked back out the door to see that the gasoline tank door on my car was open. I knew I didn't get gasoline in the field. In fact, I could not even remember when I had last filled my car with gas. I had no idea what was going on.
Disclaimer: All events listed above are from an actual dream I had. Rachel J does not paint, nor does she stalk athletes. No Jimmers or crops were harmed in the making of this dream.
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